Alive
by csisk8rchica
Summary: We all fall on hard times, some of us just trip more than others my personal quote. please RR!
1. Why Me?

Title: Alive Author: Neb Rating: Pg-13 Disclaimer: Not mine. Summary Things for one CSI go from bad to worse. A/n: this takes place after Grissom surgery. And I really know nothing about the thing that happens to Sara. I have tried researching but I'm not getting too much so please don't kill me if anything I put in her is wrong and if it is email me and tell me what's wrong so I can try and fix it.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Why did Life have to be this way? Everything bad that could happen happened to Sara. First, Hank cheated on her, Grissom had been ignoring her, her best friend had committed murder and now this.  
  
She sat alone in her dark apartment, letting the tears fall freely. She had a right to cry, anyone in her position would have. How could a thing like this happen to her, was what she thought over and over.  
  
She needed to do something, anything, to get this off her mind. So she did the only thing she loved doing- went to work.  
  
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When she got to the lab and walked through the entrance to the sign in desk, it seemed as if everyone was staring at her, awaiting her next move, almost as if it were her last. But that wasn't the case, it was her imagination no one could have know, she had only just found out a few hours ago.  
  
"Are you ok Miss Sidle?"  
  
Who was that? She looked around and say Joyce, the desk clerk, staring at her. She looked concerned. Then Sara realized se had just been standing there holding the pen and clipboard staring at the people working in the lab.  
  
'So that's why they were staring at me. Get a hold of yourself Sidle. No one knows, they don't have to know and they won't know if you don't tell them.' she thought.  
  
"Yeah Joyce, I'm fine. I just have a lot on my mind right now." She said signing her name and handing Joyce the clipboard.  
  
"Ok, well have a nice day."  
  
"You too Joyce."  
  
Sara walked quickly down the hall. She just needed to get her mind off this, there were things that could be done to fix this and she wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.  
  
If only it was that simple.  
  
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Sara jumped awake, expecting to be at home in her bed, but instead she found her self in the break room and four familiar faces staring at her, and for the second time that day faces of concern were watching her and awaiting her next move.  
  
"Sara are you ok?" Nick asked.  
  
"Um, yeah, fine. What time is it?"  
  
"About ten. Shift just started." Catherine answered.  
  
"Did you ever go home Sara?" Warrick asked.  
  
"Yeah. But I cam back around three. I don't know what happened, I mean, I came in here to get a cup of coffee and review the Harrison case and I just fell asleep."  
  
They all looked at each other, and Sara was a bit confused and annoyed.  
  
"What?" she asked.  
  
"Are you feeling ok Sara? I've never seen you so pale, heck, I don't think I've ever seen a living person that pale. Recently you've been acting weird, almost as if you're dragging yourself, and we all know you're not tired, because all you do is sleep."  
  
"Really guys I'm fine. It's nothing I can't handle." 'Crap did I just say that?'  
  
"So, there is something going on Sara," said Nick.  
  
"No, everything's fine! Now can we please just get to work?"  
  
"Good idea." Grissom answered. Catherine gave him a look that said, "If you don't get to the bottom of this I will!"  
  
"Nick," Grissom, continued, "You Warrick and I have a 419 at an old hotel of the strip, dress down." Both Nick, and Warrick sighed and left for the locker room. "Sara, you stay here and work on your case from last night, and Catherine you're our floater for now."  
  
Sar wasn't thrilled about being stuck in the lab with Catherine nearby, and because she knew she would eventually crack if Catherine were to ask her a bunch of question, she decided to leave the break room and try to avoid Catherine for as long as she could.  
  
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Sara successfully avoided Catherine, and everyone else from the nightshift for the majority of the shift, but in her last five minutes of shift when she was grabbing her belongings from her locker, Catherine walked in, slammed the door shut and locked it.  
  
"Sara, what's going on?"  
  
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	2. It's out!

Chapter 2  
  
"What?" Sara asked, as if not knowing what Catherine was asking about.  
  
"Don't play games with me Sara. I know something is going on, so spill."  
  
"Nothing, don't worry about it." Sara said walking towards the door, but Catherine put her self between her and the door.  
  
"Sara-"  
  
"Back off Catherine! I don't see how my life concerns you." Sara yelled.  
  
"But it does Sara! It does! We are you're family and we deserve to know what's going on!" The smaller woman yelled back.  
  
"You want to know the big secret Catherine. Because God forbid my 'family' not know every detail of my life."  
  
"Sara-"  
  
"I've got leukemia!" Both woman grew silent, and Sara took that as her opportunity to push Catherine out of the way, unlock the door, and run down the hall of the lab. As she ran she nearly barreled over Nick, who was exiting one of the layout rooms.  
  
"Hey Sara, what's the rush?" Nick asked, but she didn't stop.  
  
It seemed like all the air was being sucked from the building and it was getting harder and harder for her to breath. When she got outside she still kept running, only stopping when she reached her car.  
  
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"Cath what's wrong with Sara?" Nick asked walking in the locker room. When she didn't answer he walked up behind her and touched her arm. She turned around and Nick found her face depicted shock and sadness, and he became worried.  
  
"What's going on?" both were silent for a moment.  
  
"You need to ask Sara that."  
  
He looked at her for a brief moment then left the room just as Sara had moments before. He scanned the parking lot for Sara's Tahoe, but it was nowhere in sight, so he got in his own car and drove to her apartment. He needed answers and he had to talk to Sara to get them.  
  
When he reached her apartment complex he saw her car and pulled in to the empty parking space next to it. He then cut the engine off, took a deep breath then got out of his car.  
  
Walking up to her door his nerves began to build up. Lately the way Sara had been acting was starting to scare him, and he was almost afraid to find out what was making her act the way she was acting.  
  
He knocked lightly on her door and almost as if she had been standing there behind the door awaiting his arrival, she pulled the door opened.  
  
"Hi." He said softly. She answered him with a barely audible "hello".  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Sara walked into the kitchen and Nick walked into the living room. When she joined him, she brought him and herself a cup of coffee.  
  
"Sara, I know something is wrong, so please tell me. Whatever it is I just need to know so I can help support you."  
  
"Nick-"  
  
"Sara, please."  
  
She sighed and left the room. Nick was confused until she came back holding a few pieces of paper. She sat next to Nick on the couch then handed him the pieces of paper, but as he took them he realized they weren't just pieces of paper, they were pamphlets: on leukemia.  
  
"Sara?" he looked up at her not sure what to say.  
  
"I found out yesterday. It was supposed to be a regular check up, but." she couldn't continue.  
  
"Don't worry Sara, we'll get through this."  
  
"I juts don't know what to do Nick." She sobbed. He was having a hard time controlling his own emotions.  
  
"I don't know Sara but I promise we can get through this."  
  
"I-I just don't want to live the rest of my life with him mad at me."  
  
"Sara, Honey. Who's mad at you?"  
  
"G-Grissom."  
  
"Sara! He doesn't hate you. Why do you think that?"  
  
"Because I love him and he hates me."  
  
"Sara! He doesn't hate you."  
  
Yes, he does. He doesn't want to be with me, or have anything to do with, me."  
  
"What makes you think that?"  
  
"I asked him to dinner and he said no, that he didn't know what to do about 'this'" she sobbed, "and ever since then all he does is ignore me." She continued to cry as Nick walked to the couch and sat down.  
  
"Nick, I don't know what to do."  
  
Nick didn't know what to say or do either, so he sat there with her, trying to comfort her until she fell asleep.  
  
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After Sara had fallen asleep, Nick left to take care of some business, more specifically talking to Grissom. Luckily for Nick he knew how to get to Grissom's house.  
  
He pulled his Tahoe into an open space, and he saw Grissom's Tahoe a few spaces down. As Nick climbed the stairs he felt as if he was climbing a mud- covered mountain, sliding further down with every step. The thought of Sara thinking she was hated by anyone tore him apart inside.  
  
Finally, he was standing at Grissom's door. He knocked hard against the smooth wood and waited for him to answer, but there was none, so he knocked again and the door swung open.  
  
Grissom first looked annoyed when he opened the door, but when he saw who was in front of him his face softened.  
  
"Hi Nick." He greeted, a little unsure why one of his CSI's was standing at his front door.  
  
"How could you? How could you do that to her?" Nick pushed passed Grissom into the apartment.  
  
"What are you talking about Nick?" He closed the door and walked further into his apartment near where Nick was standing.  
  
"You know how she felt about you and you ignored her!" his face became read with anger.  
  
"Who are you talking about?"  
  
"As if you didn't know! Sara, who else?"  
  
"Sara?" he asked a bit puzzled.  
  
"Yes! She thinks you hate her."  
  
"But I don't, she knows that."  
  
"No! She doesn't!" he yelled, then both men grew silent, Nick waiting for Grissom to say something, and Grissom thinking of what to say. They were both uncomfortable in the silence.  
  
"I've got to talk to her." Grissom said softly walking towards the closet to grab his coat.  
  
"You better before it too late." Nick said so softly he thought only he could here it, but he was wrong.  
  
"What do you mean 'too late'?"  
  
"You better talk to Sara about that, it's not my place to tell."  
  
Nick looked at Grissom sadly as he walked out the door, leaving Grissom in a state of confusion. "What did he mean 'too late'?"  
  
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	3. I always loved you, I was just scared!

Chapter 3  
  
Grissom drove in silence to Sara's apartment, why did Sara think he hated her, he didn't hate her, actually he thought the exact opposite of that. he loved her.  
  
As he pulled into the parking space he quickly jumped out of his Tahoe and ran up the stairs. When he reached Sara's door his stomach started doing flips, and for the first time in a long while he was nervous. He tapped lightly on the door, but there was no answer, she he tapped harder. This time a pale faced Sara answered the door and upon realizing who it was she began to close the door.  
  
"Sara," he put his hand up to the door to keep it from closing, "Please Sara. I need to talk to you."  
  
"So now you wanna talk Grissom? Well fine," she opened the door all the way and motioned for him to enter, "lets talk."  
  
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Sara walked into her living room and sat on the couch. She lifted the throw pillow from beside her, hugged it to her chest and tucked her legs under her. Grissom came and sat next to her.  
  
"So now you want to talk?" she paused and he stared at her. "You never wanted to talk to me before, so why now?"  
  
"Nick stopped by."  
  
"Great, she was now annoyed and angry, "What did he say? Did he tell you every little detail of my horrible life and now you've come to talk to me because you feel sorry for me?"  
  
"Sara, you've got it all wrong."  
  
"Oh really, so why are you here?"  
  
"Sara, I'm worried about you. We all are."  
  
"Sure whatever."  
  
"I'm serious, we are."  
  
"Whose we? You mean the team? 'Cause I can see them being worried but not you. You only care about yourself." Her words stabbed at him like a thousand knives.  
  
"Sara, that's not true."  
  
"Oh really Grissom? Prove it." She dared, and he did.  
  
He leaned in and kissed her lips. It started softly but grew more and more passionate, and then they both pulled away.  
  
"I do care, and worry about you Sara." Needless to say she was stunned and speechless. "Sara, I have cared about you from the first day we met. Sara I love you, please tell me what's going on?"  
  
Sara was so happy and yet so hurt at the same time. Her dreams had come true, just too late and she now wished he never said it and never come, because it was all too late.  
  
She stood up and he watched her.  
  
"I think you should leave now Grissom."  
  
"Sara I'm not leaving."  
  
"Grissom please leave." She said softly before walking to the door, opening it and waiting for him to walk through it.  
  
"Sara, please tell me what's going on." He said still sitting on the couch. "I'm not leaving till you tell me."  
  
"No." She closed the door and walked closer towards him. "You don't want to know."  
  
"Yes I do Sara." He jumped up from his seat.  
  
"Then ask Nick or Catherine, they'll tell you."  
  
"I want to hear whatever it is from you."  
  
"Well forget it." She couldn't tell him at least now now.  
  
She left the room and barricaded herself in her bedroom. She needed to think, and to sleep.  
  
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After she awoke she lay there thinking about what had happened. Grissom had confessed his love for her, he wouldn't leave, and she couldn't tell him she was sick. If he hadn't said what he said to her, she could have told him, but it was different now.  
  
As she lay there in thought, she recognized a familiar smell. Walking into the kitchen she found Grissom standing in front of her stove fixing tofu.  
  
As she was about to say something she saw the pamphlets on the counter next to her purse and she quickly tried to hide them, but Grissom turned around and said, "Leave them." He knew.  
  
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"Sara wasn't sure what to say or do, but luckily Grissom said something.  
  
"So that's what you're keeping from me?" he pointed to the pamphlets. "Sara, how could you think I wouldn't care?"  
  
"I don't know, maybe because you never cared before."  
  
"That's a lie. I have always cared about you."  
  
"You never showed it."  
  
"I was scared Sara! I was scared you didn't feel the same way. I was scared that if you did have feelings for me you would ignore them if you knew I was going deaf. I was scared just like you're scared now."  
  
Tears began to fall from Sara's eyes. He walked towards her, caressed her face and wiped the tears from her cheeks, before taking her in for a hug.  
  
"I am scared Grissom. I'm scared that if I am with you and things get really bad you'll leave me, and that would kill me faster than this."  
  
"Honey, I would never leave you. I love you too much." He hugged her tighter, and kissed her head. "I love you too Grissom."  
  
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	4. uhoh

Ok here is the next and second to last chapter. i hope you really  
  
enjoy reading this.  
  
~Neb  
  
Chapter 4  
  
A few months went by, some slowly and a few quickly, but either way,  
  
time was slipping for Sara and Grissom.  
  
Sara had been living with Grissom because the treatments were  
  
getting to tough for her to manage on her own and the amount of work  
  
she was able to do was limited. The anemia was really getting to her  
  
and she was barely able to take it anymore.  
  
Today was both Grissom and Sara's day off and they were determined  
  
to spend it together doing things normal couples would do.  
  
"So Grissom what do you have planned?" Sara asked as there Tahoe  
  
smoothly cruised down the nearly desolate road.  
  
"It's a surprise."  
  
"Grissom please, no surprises. I've had enough for one lifetime."  
  
"Ok, well fine it's not a surprise, you just have to wait."  
  
She let out a forceful sigh, followed by a yawn.  
  
He smiled at her. God he loved this woman and thinking about how his  
  
time with her was limited made his heart sink. He wanted to spend  
  
eternity with her, but they both knew it wasn't going to happen.  
  
"Don't worry Sara we're almost there."  
  
"Ok."  
  
Ten minutes later, they were walking hand in hand down a shaded path  
  
at Lake Mead.  
  
"So is this the surprise Grissom? A walk?"  
  
"No. This is." They rounded a corner and there was the most  
  
beautiful sight Sara had ever seen.  
  
"Oh my God. Grissom this is beautiful."  
  
I used to come here all the time before I had the surgery. It was  
  
just a place where you didn't need sound to enjoy or discover  
  
beauty. I thought you would like it." He smiled and led her down the  
  
hill to a shaded spot near the water.  
  
He sat down and helped her sit down next to him. They sat there in  
  
silence for nearly an hour before it started getting dark, and they  
  
headed for the car, but as they were making their way back to the  
  
car, Sara began loosing her strength, then her breaths were coming  
  
in slow and it was getting hard for her to breathe. Grissom began to  
  
realize she was struggling, and placed his arm around her to help  
  
her.  
  
"Sara, are you ok?" he asked, but she didn't answer. "Sara?" she  
  
still didn't answer and then her world went black.  
  
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Grissom had rushed Sara to the hospital, and ended up in the cold  
  
waiting room alone. He had called the rest of the team but it was  
  
taking them some time get to the hospital.  
  
"Mr. Grissom?" a doctor walked up to him and he immediately stood.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I'm the doctor that treated Sara."  
  
"How is she?"  
  
"I'm sorry but it doesn't look good. The cancer has spread even  
  
further, and there is not anything we can do about it as of now."  
  
Grissom wasn't sure how to take the news so he just stayed silent.  
  
"Exactly how much time do you think doctor?"  
  
"Another month or so." He nodded.  
  
"You can see her if you'd like." Another nod.  
  
"Follow me." He followed and after the doctor showed him the room,  
  
he slowly walked in.  
  
His heart ached to see Sara lying there. She opened her eyes when  
  
she heard the faint sound of footsteps enter the room.  
  
"Hey baby." She whispered.  
  
"Hey, how are you feeling?"  
  
"Tiered. The doctor says I can go home." He nodded and gave her a  
  
faint smile. It seemed like that was all he was able to do.  
  
"Grissom, I'm fine. Grissom, I'm not scared anymore, and having you  
  
here with me holding my hand, loving me, makes me feel more alive  
  
than ever have and ever will feel. Thank you Grissom." She smiled  
  
faintly, "Thank you for making me feel so alive." He then broke  
  
down, unable to old his emotions back he placed his head in his  
  
hands and she gently rubbed her hand through his soft curls.  
  
"I love you Sara." He whispered.  
  
"I love you too Gil." She whispered back.  
  
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TBC 


	5. the beginning of the end leads to a reun...

Chap 5  
  
He stood there on the bank of the lake saying a silent prayer, thanking God for the time he was able to have with his wife. They're marriage only lasted a few weeks before it was torn apart by death but it was the most wonderful time either of them had ever had in their lives.  
  
He slowly opened the can, then as a gust of cool wind blew, he scattered her ashes. She had once said she wanted to be cremated, and he was fulfilling her wish. He was so sad this was goodbye. He only regretted how long it took him to face his fears and jump into a relationship. Had he conquered his fear earlier maybe he would have had more time with her, maybe she never would have gotten sick, maybe God wouldn't have had to use death to get him to face his fears.  
  
He knew life was going to different without her, and he knew it was going to be hard, but he had his family around him, and his memory of her and her beautiful smile to keep him going.  
  
He knew that this was not the end; it was only the beginning of a life long journey that would eventually come to an end and reunite their souls for an eternity. He even had her final words that continued to ring in his head as proof of that:  
  
"Grissom, never forget our time together and believe we will be  
together again someday, it is only a matter of time. I love you." 


End file.
